You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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