I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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