Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
