No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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