ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
