blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
