He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Someone signed my nipple.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize