You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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