My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
