if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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