Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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