sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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