I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
