i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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