you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
