I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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