Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
