He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
smell my finger.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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