phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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