hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.