tell your sister to shave her snatch
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
