I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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