I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
