dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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