why didn't you poke me back
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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