When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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