i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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