hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
