Where did you get a picture of my penis
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
