Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
