you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
