Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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