i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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