Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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