i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
wanna go halves on a baby?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
