Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
