i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
