come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
