You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
