Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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