I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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