I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
be right there i have to get my cape
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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