no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
