i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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