he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
