saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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