Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
