i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
