: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We have started to decorate penises.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
