You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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