I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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