Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?