I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My dad just said "fuck circus"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.