Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
