The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
