Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
